You cannot control your teen’s behaviour; you can only control your response to it. You are not responsible for every choice your teen makes, and you cannot be with them 100 percent of the time to make sure they behave appropriately. When your son or daughter steps out of the door each day, they are using their own judgment to make decisions about what they will or will not do. Your job is to hold them responsible when they misbehave. If your child is engaging in delinquent behaviour—or is showing signs that they might—there are some crucial things you can do as a parent:
Hold your children accountable for their actions:
It is very important to hold your teens accountable for their actions. This can also mean letting them experience the natural consequences of legal or court involvement. It is instinctual to want to protect our teens. None of us wants our children to be put in a cell or spend time in a detention center. Unfortunately, the desire to protect our children can lead to rescuing them from consequences, which only makes things worse and can reinforce the negative behaviour. If you are terrified your son or daughter may be arrested, it is hard to listen to your common sense or an “internal voice” that says, “Let him/her learn from this so he does not do it again.” Our heart plays tricks on us and says, “But maybe s/he didn’t mean it. Maybe it won’t happen again.” We want to give our children the benefit of the doubt when in fact, it is often the worst thing we can do for them. As parents, we should absolutely take steps to hold them accountable: allow them to experience natural consequences even if that means legal charges. However, learn to appreciate and encourage an improving teen. Do not expect them to be perfect. Appreciate positive growth and apply grace!
Walk the walk:
Talk about your values as a family—and then live them. Children remember what we do even more than what we say. With that in mind, make sure you have communicated your own values
and model for your child, the behaviour you would like to see.(If you don’t want them stealing, don’t steal.) While our children will not make all the same choices we make, they will have a blue print for how to behave appropriately if you are “walking the walk.” Do not forget that your child has the biggest role in this if they are engaging in delinquent actions. It is their job to change their behaviour. Your role is to uphold your values as much as possible, give appropriate consequences and allow natural consequences to happen. Hold them accountable but offer support as they solve the problem so they can “learn how to do things differently next time.”
Give Fail–Proof Consequences Be Consistent:
If your child is already engaging in delinquent behaviour (threats, aggression, stealing, vandalism, staying out past curfew, running away), you may need to involve the police or look for NGO’s that specialise in such. That is a hard pill to swallow. Hopefully things will not reach a serious level, but it is important to leave a paper trail, to show you attempted to intervene early on with illegal behaviours. Expect resistance, expect arguments and door-slamming from teenagers. Although it might not feel like it at the time, these are all signs that your new techniques are working. Your child might push back, but remain consistent. Children who frequently break rules without caring about consequences can be tough. It is easy to get caught up in the idea of “Nothing works – nothing matters to my child.” In fact, your child may act like they do not care about what consequences you give, but do it anyway and do it consistently. It shows that when your child does A, B will always follow. Fail–proof consequences are those that you – the parent – have complete control over. ‘Grounding’ is not a fail–proof consequence: your child can always walk out the door or sneak out the window. Not giving them money or buying them special things like make–up, designer clothes, or fast food are examples of fail–proof consequences. They can not force you to spend your money. Some may become uncomfortable with negative consequences quickly and change their behaviour right away. For others it may take some time. The older the child, the more resistance you will face. Expect to be tested. In fact, whether your child is four or fourteen, expect to be tested. Above all, do not give in— the testing will diminish in time. Remember, parenting, just like childhood, is a dynamic that keeps developing. It takes constant readjustments, flexibility and firmness. In the end, there is no “secret” to consistency—it is just the willingness of a parent to take the time to stick to the rules they have laid out for their children. The benefits of consistent parenting are that your child will internalise your rules and values over time and learn to do things with simple reminders rather than conflict.
Find support:
One of the hardest things you can do as a parent when your child is acting out or engaging in risky or delinquent behaviour is to go through this alone. It is natural to feel embarrassed or
ashamed, but realise that many, many other parents have faced these problems with their children and come out on the other side. You do not have to go through this alone. Try to find help in
the form of a support group, a trusted friend or mate, church or a professional coach. The point is, there is help out there for you if you search.
Its gone all wrong! Is it too late? Vol 3 (My Garment is Soiled..)
